I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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