i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
