do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
