i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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