please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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