you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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