I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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