i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
third nipple confirmed
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
