oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
In America we eat man semen.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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