Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ladies don't puke and tell
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
