I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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