I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Such a big mess for such a small penis
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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