Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
