My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
