i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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