If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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