at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
