just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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