I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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