Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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