Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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