Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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