The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
