My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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