I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
