You work out of a Hotel?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My penis needs a shock collar
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
