yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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