a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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