I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
