We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
