I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
