Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
