Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
