I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
