im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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