Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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