So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
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