Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
