I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
