Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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