I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
