Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
