we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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