I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Randomize
