You can't motorboat a personality
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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