and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
