from now on my penis is your penis
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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