I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
