soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need water and some morals
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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