WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
